he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
