Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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