so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
