and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
