I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
