Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
