I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
