Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
