Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
