I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
