Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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