Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need a beard to bite.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
