I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
