Pants 0. Shit 1.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
