i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
