my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize