is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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