Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
