I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
