I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
