I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
