So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize