Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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