Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
