from now on my penis is your penis
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
