just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
