OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
