so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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