Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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