i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I want her autograph on my taint
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
