Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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