I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
