Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
