9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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