hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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