your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
