Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We had sex on a dog bed..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
