She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
