Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
