Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
