they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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