just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
