Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize