I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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