Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
