I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
