Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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