Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
