..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
