my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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