Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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