fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
