Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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