Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
