I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
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