Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
