I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
