The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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