Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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