why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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