I can tuck mytits in my pants
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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