just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
