i was born a porn star she said
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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