T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize