Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
