someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
