So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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