she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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