Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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