u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
bring money and cleavage
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
