My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
