I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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