How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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