her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
