I wish I could punch you in the face.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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