Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
