Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
