If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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