i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I forget how to act sober
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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