Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
