I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just had sex on a roof
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
